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Pedicures: Fuckin’ Disgraceful
No amount of water can wash away the pain
Pedicure.
A word suggesting electro-shock therapy for fiddlers.
And obscuring a reality that is far more repellent than all the child abuse in the world combined.
Every day on my way home from work I pass a pedicure salon which, without fail, is straining to its very foundations beneath some fat fucking asshole reclining like some entitled movie star, hefty leg of mutton protruding, a poor diminutive girl scraping off diseased nails and dead skin cells, mustering every ounce of energy it takes to not run outside and hurl herself in front of the next tram.
Here’s my whole rant in a nutshell: What sort of a cunt makes another human being clean and scrape their disgusting fucking hooves?
In your addled mind, your feet are dainty and beautiful, like some mysterious Empress of a long-faded civilisation.
In the actual world of real things however, your feet are hideous misshapen slabs of smelly beef that should never ever be let out.
The only meaningful difference between you and a cow with severe bacterial hoof infection is the size of your alarmingly under-utilised cerebral cortex.
Here’s a wild idea: why don’t you scrape out your own toe jam?
If I’m coming across a mite misogynistic then let me dispel your concerns and clear the putrid sweaty air – this is only because it’s the bitches who are getting the pedicures.
The bloke equivalent would be an anal grooming salon, ‘Gruff-Nuts R Us’.
Here men would bend over and read Top Gear magazine while wage-slaves picked out their gruff nuts (the little bits of poo that can gather on hairs around the anus – Urban Dictionary) like poor depressed little chimps.
This is the only thing I can imagine that is as disgusting as pedicures, and I truly feel that I’m barely exaggerating here.
I survived the Christchurch Quake and all I have left is this shitty blog
Well Christchurch is totally fucked.
But I’m alive, and so is my all my family.
And I’m doing what any reasonable New Zealander would do at a time like this.
I’m moving.
Melbourne awaits, it’s legs metaphorically open to me.
And I can rest easy knowing I’m heading to a land flowing with milk and honey, a paradise completely free from devastating natural disasters.
Right?
Actually the move was planned a long time before this second big hit.
Can’t wait to leave after nearly 6 months of shaking.
Fuck this.
How to spot a pedophile: The Pedophile Ring
There is now a way besides the Pedo-smile to identify a pedophile completely scientifically:
Just look for the tell-tale pedophile ring.
Now you might ask, ‘what is creepier, the pedophile or the guy (me) taking a photo(s) of the pedophile on the bus?’
And I answer, ‘the pedophile, no question – I mean did you even see that guy?!’
BTW, I hate to do a post like this, since I know I’m going to get a bunch of scum finding it by searching unironically for ‘pedophile ring’. And possibly the police detectives hot on their trail.
I love the internet.
Betray it Forward
I have 2 days left in my 6-month contract and I have selected my no.1 Office Life Pet Peeve.
To merely call it a pet peeve doesn’t do justice to how much this really annoys me.
May I present, Betray it Forward, otherwise known as the Email Forward Betrayal.
This is when A (me) emails B bitching about C.
B then forwards the email to C and includes A’s rant in the forward. C is free to read the vitriol which was sent to B in confidence.
This has happened to me two or three times this year and it rips my undies.
What does this make B?
B is usually a classic passive-aggressive office-drone middle-management cocksucker (literally, they often perform degrading sexual acts for promotion).
Too cowardly to confront C on their own terms and with their own words, B takes the cheap and easy route of blindsiding A.
B is shirking his responsibility. He knows he will come out of it squeaky clean since C will be too pissed by A’s comments to even think that B shares the exact same sentiments.
An actual example
Email #1
From: A
Date: December 23, 2010
To: B
Subject: Just a thought before I leave todayHi B,
I really need to be able to directly upload my files to the staging server, rather than go through C.
If there are any remaining bugs to fix, I won’t have enough time before I leave, if I have to wait days for C to upload files for me (and usually not even tell me when they have).
Cheers,
ATranslation: Fuck C, they are arsehole control-freaks who’ve been jerking me around.
Email #2 – Fwd of A’s email including original message
From: B
Sent: December 29, 2010
To: C
Cc: A
Subject: Fwd: Just a thought before I leave todayCan we please make it possible for A to directly upload files?
Translation: I hate you C and I hope you get herpes, but I’m going to express this passive-aggressively through A. Look what he said below, whoops, should I have included that?
Email #3 – C’s response
From: C
Sent: Friday, 31 December 2010 3:14 a.m.
To: B
Cc: A
Subject: RE: Just a thought before I leave todayWe are happy to make this possible, but we have been working on a much more pressing issue this week.
Translation: You aren’t important. We are.
If there are changes that need to be implemented, I am not aware of it and cannot find any requests to do so.
Translation: I’ve deliberately gone off topic to suggest that you haven’t followed protocol.
We have a process for requesting changes to the production website, they should be sent to eat@me.com. They should not be sent to any individual member of the IT team. We can use this process for all code promotions until the permissions are setup on the new server.
C
Translation: I am all-powerful, fuck you both in the ear.
In the market for a new wang?
Make no mistake, this is not another hilarious case of ‘Engrish’ or yet another hilarious ‘Fail’ (tho it is an Epic Wang!).
It is quite intentional.
I went inside and it was wall-to-wall wangs of every size and colour. It’s the Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory of wang supermarkets.
Afterwards I had a lovely break from shopping next door at Schlong Cafe.
I suspect that this will be the only truly great thing that happens to me in 2011 and I’m not unhappy about it.
The Kaikoura Chainsaw Massacre
Leatherface, see his kind in Kaikoura
By way of introduction, simply: fuck Kaikoura.
Just when you thought it was safe to drive from Christchurch to Picton to catch the Interislander, it turns out you will need to pass through New Zealand’s most demented town, bursting at the seams with violent predatory retards.
Kaikoura, the town healthy genetics forgot, where – this is not made up – actual gangs (carloads) of “people” roam around looking for random strangers to violently assault and rob.
I might as well just head straight for some isolated area of rural Texas and search for the first haunted-looking farmhouse chock full of chicken feathers and human-bone altars.
Hanging myself under the ribs on a meat hook I will think gratefully to myself, ‘ah well, at least I’m not in Kaikoura’.
In the lastest attack in Kaikoura, a woman was bitten on the face by another woman.
Um…
A woman was bitten on the face by another woman.
Perhaps we’ve got the wrong genre? Have we actually stumbled into an early Peter Jackson film? Do zombie-killing priests also roam Kaikoura at night (I kick arse for the Lord)?
In the same attack, the brother of the bitten woman had his jaw smashed and arm broken, an attack perpetrated by at least two carloads of people.
The cop in charge said Kaikoura was no different to any other New Zealand town.
Bullshit.
You’ve got a fucking nest of retarded inbred murderers on your hands mate.
The best of luck to you.
As for me, I vow to never spend longer than it takes to kick in a servo dunny door with shotgun and flaming torch in hand before crimping one off and getting the hell out of the accursed shit hole that is Kaikoura.
Check out the sickness: http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/news/south-island/4498972/Second-random-attack-in-Kaikoura
Readership Review 2010 – You sick fucks
I’ve just reviewed keywords for 2010 for the traffic that arrived at my site (i.e. what people typed into google to find brainwashable.com).
Again, this confirms my belief that the only hope for our species is a catastrophic flood to engulf the planet destroying all life except for George Clooney and a hot nun who manage to survive the flood waters by continually having sex in an underwater fortress.
You are all scum and I hope you have your internet connection legally taken away from you.
Here’s the search terms that win Brainwashable’s 2010 Search of Shame and/or Awesomeness awards.
- mechanophilia – I hope to supplant wikipedia itself as the #1 ranking site for ‘mechanophilia’, my loftiest and most noble goal for 2011.
- dicksmack – this word will always please me.
- christchurch tinny houses – Who am I to not help a brother out with a map of all the tinny houses in NZ?
- put something on the end of it – My favourite Jeremy Kylism.
- mctits – I’m still researching exactly what this is, looks promising so far.
- how to make a nautical themed pashmina afghan – I like the can do spirit!
- never forget to log out of facebook – Really, don’t.
- are there any great female shot putters that are small – No, you’re an idiot.
- brain aneurysm from vuvuzela – People really became obsessed with vuvuzelas this year.
- chav sex – There is nothing less beautiful and more harmful to our gene pool.
- cutting zuchhini (sic) in dream – Men, this dream means you fear adult circumcision, women, it means you hate penises. Congratulations.
- david bain masturbating - You sick fuck.
- has justin bieber ever flexed his muscles in the mirror – Great question, of course he has.
- how to jerk off – I can see Mowgli typing this.
- how to stop squeaky jandals – Best search ever, I nearly died suppressing laughter at work.
- invercargill the asshole of the world – It’s hard to disagree with Keith Richards, the man who can’t be killed.
- man pissing on wall – Very Zen.
Sheer joy as Assange cut loose
In continuing my obsession with celebrity resemblences, and in light of Assange’s new spiky white frosting, I am delighted to bring you: OMG, Julian Assange looks just like Rutger Hauer from Blade Runner.
Is Assange making a deliberate comparison, a shrouded clue as to his next move?
While getting his cheeky new number, did he whisper to the prison barber, ‘Give me a Hauer’?
Will he take revenge and murder his father (look out Australian theatre director Brett Assange)?
Or will he merely watch attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion (still no mean feat)?
Hauer’s Roy from Blade Runner was intelligent, fast, strong and skilled at combat, and yet underdeveloped emotionally.
I suppose Assange is smart enough and has had an unconventional upbringing and life (and you can’t get more unconventional than Replicant).
Holy shit, Assage is a renegade Nexus-6 replicant! Well that was a totally unexpected but undeniably true conclusion.
Best bring Rick Deckard out of retirement again.
Simple Jo
Mayoress Jo Nicolls-Parker’s new haircut. This is why I read newspapers.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/4414239/Mayoress-new-do-turns-heads
The Good Fun – Naughty Little Sin
The Good Fun, rock band and national winners of the Smokefreerockquest 2010, are too awesome.
Not only does their debut single, Naughty Little Sin, rock (with welcome shades of Vampire Weekend), but they are really cool guys.
I recently saw a band interview on C4 during which the songwriter read a pre-written explanation of the meaning of Naughty Little Sin which could be summed up as ‘Haunting elderly infidelity betrayed with a kiss’.
As he read, Drew (the host) and his producers became palpably nervous that they were about to be ambushed by the most inappropriate thing ever said in the history of after-school television, but disappointingly this wasn’t to be. They should have had more faith.
How to best explain The Good Fun – they are the music equivalent of a Jared Hess film: pure enjoyment. Plus more than a little hint of Cake (funky basslines, check out Babe, You Got It Going On on their myspace page) and I’m even gonna say Weezer = all good fun!
Also, the drummer Jimi is the most infectiously likeable person ever. Enjoy the song:
Naughty Little Sin Lyrics
If you know these, post in comments and I’ll add them to the body of this post. As a reward I will link to your favourite boytaur fan site.
Update – 18 Nov, 2010: Yeehaa, Leroy himself has posted the lyrics below, enjoy!