Archives for "Dreams"
I discovered teleportation
Be afraid, be very afraid
I have been back on coffee for a couple of days now after a few weeks off. I have had the worst two nights’ sleep of my life. Still, it’s worth it for that sweet sweet hit.
I load up on coffee late into the night and then lie in bed for about 3 hours as alert as a field mouse in a hungry owl sanctuary.
And the dreams. Wow. This morning I woke with a start after the most vivid dream I’ve ever had:
I’m on a bed & breakfast website and I take a virtual tour around the property. Immediately I’m thinking ‘man this is some high quality virtual tour, it’s lifelike‘.
I go inside through some french doors. They put up some initial resistance but soon surrender completely to my advance (sorry). And then I’m walking around the place checking out the rooms. ‘Very impressive 3D technology’ I’m thinking.
Then I walk into a bedroom and an unattractive middle-aged couple sit up suddenly in bed. The guy jumps up and is all like ‘this is outrageous’. And I’m all like ‘aah, don’t worry man, this is actually impossible, this can’t be happening, I’m taking a virtual tour of your b&b’.
And the man’s all like ‘no man this is real maaaan, I can touch you’.
And I’m like ‘oh wow, we’ve just discovered teleportation!’
I look at the innkeepers wife and she’s pissed and I could swear she looked a bit like Saraghina from 8 ½ but blond and with terrible teeth. Then, luckily, I wake up before they can have their way with me.
Saraghina will haunt your dreams and hell, your waking life too.
Meaning of dream
I don’t think this dream is so much about my troubled psyche.
Teleportation has come up in a couple of things for me recently: Season 1 of Fringe and The Fly. That, coupled with playing around with virtual tours recently should explain it.
I Dream of Zucchini
In reading a few of my dreams below, before you smugly think to yourself ‘wow, what a cock’, just know that my dreams are more important and interesting than your waking life.
#1. A lawn-mowing procedural
Carpet mowing
The other night I dreamed that I was mowing someone’s lawn.
They wanted me to give it a good short cut but after expertly surveying the grass, I informed the lawn-owner that were I to cut it that short the sun would wreak havoc and it soon be unattractive and brown.
For dramatic effect I gestured to a brown patch of grass nearby as I gave technical details about the importance of not cutting too low.
Meaning of dream: In real life, I am worried that my neck-hairline isn’t even, I have been meaning to ask people for ages to check for me but I keep forgetting.
#2. Inane comment is well-received
I had a dream that I was at a friend’s wedding reception.
I loudly remarked to my table that ‘we should all racially profile everyone who ever lived’ and was met by rapturous laughter, exactly like the sublime Aspen sweater-friends fart scene from Dumb and Dumber:
Meaning of dream: In real life, I again need to rewatch Dumb and Dumber (the greatest film ever made).
#3. A friend by any other name
I had a dream that a friend was telling me that he was pissed that his name had an open-ended meaning.
I tried to reassure him that I knew heaps of people with open-ended name meanings.
Awkward silence.
Meaning of dream: In real life, I have identity issues. Who am I? What is the meaning of my life? Why do I have untimely cravings for cereal?
Oh great, I had a dream about David Bain
Party? Sounds great, unfortunately... I don't do parties, that's a nada on the party.
So the other day I was working hard on my lucid dreaming techniques, hoping to conjure up a young Geena Davis later in the evening. But no, I get big Dave. This is how it played out:
I was in some sort of community hall sitting at a table with David Bain and a bunch of other community hall types. I think we were doing a community activity like art and/or craft, perhaps making macaroni bead necklaces.
I can’t say for sure but I think he was wearing that knitted jersey. He asked everyone if we wanted to go to his place for a party, probably wanting to celebrate his acquittal.
I can remember thinking ‘oh no, I’m definitely bailing on this one’. Then I felt bad because noone else was saying they’d go either. But I told myself that there are always some losers who end up going to this sort of thing out of pity, and that I didn’t need to feel bad.
And that was the dream. A classic George Costanza: trying to get out of an awkward social event. I suppose I should be grateful, as far as dreams go, it could have been a lot worse. I could have been on his paper round with him, or riding bareback across a meadow on a horse with him.
Ha, I'll be home by Christmas.