Archives for "News"
The Kaikoura Chainsaw Massacre
Leatherface, see his kind in Kaikoura
By way of introduction, simply: fuck Kaikoura.
Just when you thought it was safe to drive from Christchurch to Picton to catch the Interislander, it turns out you will need to pass through New Zealand’s most demented town, bursting at the seams with violent predatory retards.
Kaikoura, the town healthy genetics forgot, where – this is not made up – actual gangs (carloads) of “people” roam around looking for random strangers to violently assault and rob.
I might as well just head straight for some isolated area of rural Texas and search for the first haunted-looking farmhouse chock full of chicken feathers and human-bone altars.
Hanging myself under the ribs on a meat hook I will think gratefully to myself, ‘ah well, at least I’m not in Kaikoura’.
In the lastest attack in Kaikoura, a woman was bitten on the face by another woman.
Um…
A woman was bitten on the face by another woman.
Perhaps we’ve got the wrong genre? Have we actually stumbled into an early Peter Jackson film? Do zombie-killing priests also roam Kaikoura at night (I kick arse for the Lord)?
In the same attack, the brother of the bitten woman had his jaw smashed and arm broken, an attack perpetrated by at least two carloads of people.
The cop in charge said Kaikoura was no different to any other New Zealand town.
Bullshit.
You’ve got a fucking nest of retarded inbred murderers on your hands mate.
The best of luck to you.
As for me, I vow to never spend longer than it takes to kick in a servo dunny door with shotgun and flaming torch in hand before crimping one off and getting the hell out of the accursed shit hole that is Kaikoura.
Check out the sickness: http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/news/south-island/4498972/Second-random-attack-in-Kaikoura
Simple Jo
Mayoress Jo Nicolls-Parker’s new haircut. This is why I read newspapers.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/4414239/Mayoress-new-do-turns-heads
The man with the bulldog tattoo
Fugitives with unbelievably distinctive tattoos have few options for disguise
Hamilton police have set a new world record for understatement, describing a fugitive gunman’s striking facial tattoo merely as ‘distinctive’.
Hamilton city area Police spokesman Bent Mischievously has been typically humble in acknowledging the achievement.
“At first we were tempted by the adjectives ‘unthinkable’ and ‘unprecedented’ but we held our ground and trusted our audience, and in the end they rewarded us.”
Initial public safety posters warning carney folk (clowns specifically) about likely muggings were proved redundant when it was revealed that all Hamiltonians carry thick clown facepaint due to the prevalence of transvestism amongst males and hideousness amongst females.
Phil Spector looks like a creepy old child molester
ACDC's best song is Let There Be Rock
Phil Spector has just been sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for murder. I continue to be surprised by this whenever I see a picture of him.
Let’s face it, if you didn’t know who he was, and you had to assign the most likely crime to the mugshot alone, you’d definitely go child molester. Totally creepy, like a Harry Potter fiend, and definitely scarier than Lord Voldemort.
In fact, you almost think better of him because of it, ‘ah well, he might have put a gun in Lana Clarkson’s mouth and blown her brains out, but at least he didn’t interfere with any kids – full credit for that!’ Maybe it was a defence strategy. Who knows? Me, and it definitely was.
But seriously, what an asshole. Five women from Spector’s past gave testimony that he’d threatened them with guns when they tried to leave his presence. Nice one dickhead.
And I don’t think he’s that great anyway. Wall of Sound recording technique – big deal. The Ronettes, the Righteous Brothers, Ike and Tina Turner and John Lennon – yeah maybe if any of them were any good.
Boy Racers are the new Folk Devils
What you looking at? Oh yeah, my shitty car...
This just in, an update on the recent Christchurch boy racer attack, complete with startling new made-up revelations:
Boy racers who attacked a female security guard near Christchurch International Airport on Wednesday night were merely responding to a ferocious attack on their taste in music.
Reliable witnesses concur that the youths only trapped the woman’s vehicle with their cars and smashed her windows after she had yelled out the window ‘out of my fucking way you Linkin Park-loving fucktards’.
According to these witnesses, the bottles were only thrown through her windows when her verbal assault on Linkin Park continued by claiming their new single, New Divide, to be a ‘cynical nu metal disgrace, and don’t get me started on giant shithole that will be the Transformers sequel.’
At this point witness accounts diverge, with some claiming that it was the hassling of the Transformers franchise that had actually tipped the balance toward violence, given that most Boy Racers have lucid dreams that their cars are actually Transformers and that they are the human guy who helps the Autobots all the time. Continue Reading
Seafood fetishist Don McGlashan thinks his shit don’t stank
"...halfway down Dominion Road, doo dee doo..."
One of my favourite Simpson’s characters is Troy McClure, a lovable washed up actor: ‘Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs: Eww! and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.’
In a season 7 episode called ‘A Fish Called Selma’, McClure marries a human woman after rumours about a sexual abnormality concerning fish have sunk his career.
I can’t help but see undeniable parallels in Don McGlashan’s latest outburst. In November 2008, TVNZ used of one of his songs (Anchor Me) to accompany a montage of images celebrating National leader John Key’s election victory. McGlashan responded by stating that he “would rather have sex with a very ugly crayfish than let them [the National Party] use my music”. Here’s the full article.
There were just so many other ways he could have expressed his disgust. I mean, I get it, he was riffing on the ocean theme of the song, but that he had to qualify crayfish with ‘very ugly’ is frankly, worrisome. Aren’t all crayfish fairly hideous by default? Continue Reading