Archives for "Office Life"

I have 2 days  left in my 6-month contract and I have selected my no.1 Office Life Pet Peeve.

To merely call it a pet peeve doesn’t do justice to how much this really annoys me.

May I present, Betray it Forward, otherwise known as the Email Forward Betrayal.

This is when A (me) emails B bitching about C.

B then forwards the email to C and includes A’s rant in the forward. C is free to read the vitriol which was sent to B in confidence.

This has happened to me two or three times this year and it rips my undies.

What does this make B?

B is usually a classic passive-aggressive office-drone middle-management cocksucker (literally, they often perform degrading sexual acts for promotion).

Too cowardly to confront C on their own terms and with their own words, B takes the cheap and easy route of blindsiding A.

B is shirking his responsibility. He knows he will come out of it squeaky clean since C will be too pissed by A’s comments to even think that B shares the exact same sentiments.

An actual example

Email #1

From: A
Date: December 23, 2010
To: B
Subject: Just a thought before I leave today

Hi B,

I really need to be able to directly upload my files to the staging server, rather than go through C.

If there are any remaining bugs to fix, I won’t have enough time before I leave, if I have to wait days for C to upload files for me (and usually not even tell me when they have).

Cheers,
A

Translation: Fuck C, they are arsehole control-freaks who’ve been jerking me around.

Email #2 – Fwd of A’s email including original message

From: B
Sent: December 29, 2010
To: C
Cc: A
Subject: Fwd: Just a thought before I leave today

Can we please make it possible for A to directly upload files?

Translation: I hate you C and I hope you get herpes, but I’m going to express this passive-aggressively through A. Look what he said below, whoops, should I have included that?

Email #3 – C’s response

From: C
Sent: Friday, 31 December 2010 3:14 a.m.
To: B
Cc: A
Subject: RE: Just a thought before I leave today

We are happy to make this possible, but we have been working on a much more pressing issue this week.

Translation: You aren’t important. We are.

If there are changes that need to be implemented, I am not aware of it and cannot find any requests to do so.

Translation: I’ve deliberately gone off topic to suggest that you haven’t followed protocol.

We have a process for requesting changes to the production website, they should be sent to eat@me.com.  They should not be sent to any individual member of the IT team.  We can use this process for all code promotions until the permissions are setup on the new server.

C

Translation: I am all-powerful, fuck you both in the ear.

Alfred Nobel was a twat for not inventing the brush container lid/splash guard

Having been away from office life for a blessed sweet while, I have recently returned in order to once again afford the luxuries of life such as 2-ply toilet paper and toilet brushes with fancy plastic splash guards.

Which allows me to segue neatly into ‘office outrage #1′, in which I will rant pointlessly about something at work that annoys me, but that nobody else on earth cares about at all.

Man-bitch topic #1 – Magazines in the loo

The men’s loo at work has a pile of magazines on the window ledge above the cistern traditionally reserved for air fresheners and dead moths.

I’ve never understood this nonsense.

It makes me livid.

I want to chuck the magazines into the bowl and do a big sloppy dump all over them.

Firstly, any object entering a man toilet is immediately contaminated and unfit for handling thereafter.

Secondly, who has the time or inclination to read while taking a shit? Just focus on the jobbie at hand, get it done, and move on. Ooh, but wait, I could delay the act of defecation by reading an article on growth in the real estate sector!

Cock.

At what point do you think, ‘Now I’m really glad to be having a shit, but I feel like something’s missing – Of course, Dan Brown’s latest page turner!’

And if you are a grubby little loo-reader:

1. Do you sit, bowels straining, sphincter clenched, reading debt reduction tips?
2. Or do you let rip, evacuate, and then sit poring over Danish furniture design with filthy unwiped ass?
3. Or do you shit, wipe, then read? And if so, why not just entirely divorce shitting from reading and flick through your mag while leaning with dignity against the wash basin?

Furthermore, I had a curry last night and need the dunny now. Oh, wait, my brilliant coworker is leisurely reading about how Tom is unsure how he should tell his new girlfriend about his genital warts. Don’t mind that I am feeling more discomfort than this man.

Moreover, why, in the name of all things Holy, would anyone allowed to move freely in the general population want to handle a magazine previously handled by any number of shit-stained fingers?

Have they not experienced or heard of the human tragedy known as Tear Through? This is when your inferior brand bog roll fails in essentially its only responsibility and your digits plunge through into the inner circle of Hell that is your dirty bumhole.

Finally, if you are going to insist on being a total cunt, how about at least having a little more literary variety than 7 back issues of Top Gear Magazine.

Nobody fucking cares about cars. And anyone who does has a deformed penis.

We all watch Top Gear because the show’s writers are funny, and in the hopes that Clarkson will yet again get in massive trouble by going the blacks or the gypsies, not because of the cars.

Conclusion: The only acceptable use for literature inside a toilet is when you’re out of paper.