Archives for "Politics"

Johnny Cash agrees with me completely

Four months ago in June it seemed certain that Jim Anderton was set to trounce Bob Parker in the 2010 Christchurch mayoralty race.

A UMR Research online poll gave Anderton 60 per cent support, and Parker just 28 per cent.

Anecdotally, Bob Parker’s first term had been widely likened, in terms of competency, to Detective Frank Drebin in the Naked Gun films – in particular the scene in which he dangles from a multi-story building clutching onto a statue’s wang (the Press building in Bob’s case).

The steely knives were being sharpened and Bob was on the menu (sorry no BYO).

Then Christchurch had a rather large earthquake…

And right in the middle of his electioneering, Bob found himself in front of  national news cameras in a reassuring jacket with bold orange highlights. We looked to him for calm and wisdom in the time of panic and he didn’t let us down.

He told us it was a good thing that people hadn’t died horribly in the quake. He taught us not to drink fetid water with large turds floating in it. He explained that the enormous quake had fucked a lot of shit up.

Heavens and glory, Moses in a puffy high-visibility jacket!

We realised with a start that we’d nearly deposed the greatest Mayor of all time.

And sure enough the next poll, the first taken after the quake, showed a massive turnaround: Bob now lead by 55 per cent to Jim’s 41 per cent (among decided voters).

Then, a couple of days ago, with 98 per cent of the vote counted, Bob comfortably won by 68,245 to 51,566 votes.

In a master stroke, Bob Parker bought the Christchurch election, and it had only cost Canterbury, and in fact all of New Zealand, somewhere around the $4 billion mark.

With this flip-flop, the people of Christchurch have revealed themselves to be some of the stupidest people on the planet, with no more right to the democratic process than those people who wear tea towels in that desert place.

Seriously, a guy got a bit of face time on tv, scuttled around the rubble a bit and advised us not to disintegrate into a cannibalistic society of assless-chap wearing Mad Max nutbars, and you voted for him like simple minded little bitches.

I hate you all (actually just the people who changed their vote solely because they saw Bob on TV and were impressed that he wasn’t crying into a giant tub of icecream, plus the people who were undecided but joined team Bob for the same reason).

News flash knobjockeys of Chch: In political elections there’s this thing called policy, and later there’s this thing called governing whereby a government fulfills the mandate you gave it by putting this policy into action (providing it wasn’t just a votewinner, but not to ruin my whole argument…).

Voting according to whether you agree with someone’s policy is more important than voting according to whether you saw them lots on television during a difficult time.

Christchurch is even stupider than Springfield

In one of the great Simpsons episodes called Marge vs. the Monorail, a fast talking conman named Lyle Lanley convinces the people of Springfield to build a monorail by singing a catchy song about it:

Hmmm, what do you know? Bob Parker went on a trip to the US and came back buzzing about light rail as a viable option for Christchurch.

Once again proving the Southpark hypothesis that the Simpsons have done everything, including our lives.

Voters of Christchurch, if you’re as stupid as you clearly are, then the Simpsons video above masquerading as an actual argument will have totally convinced you of the truth of how stupid I’ve irrefutably proved you to be.

And my job here is done.

I just couldn’t believe it when I saw the question for the Citizens Initiated Referendum: “Should a smack as part of good parental correction be a criminal offence in New Zealand?”

Finally, New Zealand has fulfilled the final criteria to becoming a fully-fledged banana republic. My personal plan is to ingratiate myself with the ruling clique by offering up my body for footstool services (with occasional non-footstool bonuses).

The only way that this question could have been stupider would be if it was: “Should a smack as part of criminal parental correction be a criminal offence in New Zealand?” Or, “Should gifts of magical chocolate flowers and unicorn rides as part of spoiling your children be a criminal offence in New Zealand?” Or, “Should sexual assault as a part of a prolonged regime of pederasty be a criminal offence in New Zealand?”