Archives for "Readership"
Readership Review 2010 – You sick fucks
I’ve just reviewed keywords for 2010 for the traffic that arrived at my site (i.e. what people typed into google to find brainwashable.com).
Again, this confirms my belief that the only hope for our species is a catastrophic flood to engulf the planet destroying all life except for George Clooney and a hot nun who manage to survive the flood waters by continually having sex in an underwater fortress.
You are all scum and I hope you have your internet connection legally taken away from you.
Here’s the search terms that win Brainwashable’s 2010 Search of Shame and/or Awesomeness awards.
- mechanophilia – I hope to supplant wikipedia itself as the #1 ranking site for ‘mechanophilia’, my loftiest and most noble goal for 2011.
- dicksmack – this word will always please me.
- christchurch tinny houses – Who am I to not help a brother out with a map of all the tinny houses in NZ?
- put something on the end of it – My favourite Jeremy Kylism.
- mctits – I’m still researching exactly what this is, looks promising so far.
- how to make a nautical themed pashmina afghan – I like the can do spirit!
- never forget to log out of facebook – Really, don’t.
- are there any great female shot putters that are small – No, you’re an idiot.
- brain aneurysm from vuvuzela – People really became obsessed with vuvuzelas this year.
- chav sex – There is nothing less beautiful and more harmful to our gene pool.
- cutting zuchhini (sic) in dream – Men, this dream means you fear adult circumcision, women, it means you hate penises. Congratulations.
- david bain masturbating - You sick fuck.
- has justin bieber ever flexed his muscles in the mirror – Great question, of course he has.
- how to jerk off – I can see Mowgli typing this.
- how to stop squeaky jandals – Best search ever, I nearly died suppressing laughter at work.
- invercargill the asshole of the world – It’s hard to disagree with Keith Richards, the man who can’t be killed.
- man pissing on wall – Very Zen.
Masturbate to this
Far be it from me to want to enable your perversions, but here’s one for all the mechanophiliacs out there.
1984 Honda Shuttle. A smooth ride I can assure you.
Readership Review – How people arrived at Brainwashable
My search traffic is useless, the most poorly qualified of all the whole Internet. Seriously, a total bunch of whack-jobs with hand-lotion and tissues ever at the ready. This is primarily because I talk on topics as disparate as Mormon cinema, Billy Corgan at the Basin Reserve and anal cavity search of prisoners. There is no clear single focus for the site and this has resulted in attracting the world’s most retarded visitors.
So here’s my Top 34 funny search terms ever. As you work through the list, try to imagine what these people look like, and their surroundings, and their sad little faces when they arrived at my site (what! No high-resolution images of anal douching, I’m outa here).
All in all, it proves I have the most hopeless, bottom-feeding readership on the internet. If anyone ever wants to place public service ads with messages like ‘rape is wrong’ or ‘what to do if you get stuff stuck up your butthole’ this is the site to advertise on – seriously, get in touch.
Warning: Reading this list more than once might push you from laughing your balls off to despairing for the future of humanity and the safety of your children.
1. “old swingers”
Sadly, the 6th most popular search term of all time to brainwashable.com. The article it pertains to is Suburban Pervert disproves Many Worlds Interpretation. It is of great comfort to me that while reading the very words that I wrote, ugly losers in their 50s are masturbating slowly to Dr Hook on vinyl, before realising that it isn’t quite the adult dating site they were hoping for.
2. “pervy old men”
Sadly, the 7th most popular search term. The same article as for ‘old swingers’. I often wonder if it is pervy old men themselves using this search, wanting to find out more about themselves to make peace with the universe, or people with fetishes for pervy old men who want to reach out (or around)? I also had searches for ‘old and pervy’, ‘pervy douche’ and ‘quotes about pervy men’.
3. “knife in anus”
The 23rd most popular search term for my site. Article: Best line ever on America’s Hardest Prisons. I really can’t judge these searchers – this is exactly the sort of thing I’d google myself if I wasn’t already writing articles about it.