Readership Review – How people arrived at Brainwashable

My search traffic is useless, the most poorly qualified of all the whole Internet. Seriously, a total bunch of whack-jobs with hand-lotion and tissues ever at the ready. This is primarily because I talk on topics as disparate as Mormon cinema, Billy Corgan at the Basin Reserve and anal cavity search of prisoners. There is no clear single focus for the site and this has resulted in attracting the world’s most retarded visitors.

So here’s my Top 34 funny search terms ever. As you work through the list, try to imagine what these people look like, and their surroundings, and their sad little faces when they arrived at my site (what! No high-resolution images of anal douching, I’m outa here).

All in all, it proves I have the most hopeless, bottom-feeding readership on the internet. If anyone ever wants to place public service ads with messages like ‘rape is wrong’ or ‘what to do if you get stuff stuck up your butthole’ this is the site to advertise on – seriously, get in touch.

Warning: Reading this list more than once might push you from laughing your balls off to despairing for the future of humanity and the safety of your children.

1. “old swingers”

Sadly, the 6th most popular search term of all time to brainwashable.com. The article it pertains to is Suburban Pervert disproves Many Worlds Interpretation. It is of great comfort to me that while reading the very words that I wrote, ugly losers in their 50s are masturbating slowly to Dr Hook on vinyl, before realising that it isn’t quite the adult dating site they were hoping for.

2. “pervy old men”

Sadly, the 7th most popular search term. The same article as for ‘old swingers’. I often wonder if it is pervy old men themselves using this search, wanting to find out more about themselves to make peace with the universe, or people with fetishes for pervy old men who want to reach out (or around)? I also had searches for ‘old and pervy’, ‘pervy douche’ and ‘quotes about pervy men’.

3. “knife in anus”

The 23rd most popular search term for my site. Article: Best line ever on America’s Hardest Prisons. I really can’t judge these searchers – this is exactly the sort of thing I’d google myself if I wasn’t already writing articles about it.

4. “old men swingers” and “old men pets”

Though there is probably no connection here, I feel that on some deep arcane level there is. I think the ideal pets for old men are shy parrots.

5. “ass raped”

All class. I love that it’s past tense.

6. “serious shit”

That’s it. Not “serious shit about cancer”. Not “Rambo kicking some serious shit”. Just “serious shit”. Love it.

7. “dicksmack”

I’m really happy about this one.

8. “mormon swingers”

This is my favourite of all time. I mean, holy shit. Aren’t Mormons are supposed to be good wholesome folk, or perhaps this is a non-believer wanting to dip their pen in the ageing ink of the righteous? Whatever, I love it.

9. “sneaky voyeurism”

What a little perve. No doubt a 14 year old boy trying to hone his perving technique. I have two words for you my friend: Weird Science. Now go and learn at the feet of the Gods of Perve.

10. “russell crowe”

The more I see of Russell Crowe, the more I just want him to shut his yap and kick the shit out of everyone near him. He was so great in LA Confidental, a total brawling thug and a cop to boot.

11. “mind map of fascism” and “mind map of hitler “

Possibly a student so incredibly lazy that they wanted to find a pre-done mindmap. Too lazy to even allow their brain to wander aimlessly for a few moments of consciousness. That is disciplined laziness to be respected.

12. “anal cavity”, “anal cavity search”, “anal search”, and “forced anal cavity search”

A veritable potpourri of depravity. I don’t need to really go into the mind of these people, except to say that possibly the people who included ‘search’ in their term are slightly less depraved than the straight ‘anal cavity’ searcher.

13. “best prison in america”

I’d like to think this was a criminal about to commit a violent crime who wanted to aim for the best outcome once caught. Perhaps this research would even determine the eventual state and county the murder would be done in. I just love the plan-ahead attitude!

14. “best race of people”

Firstly, the correct answer to this is the Japanese. Secondly, excellent, I have white supremacist readership too. Yay me.

15. “bloody aussies”

I love it! This was a searcher from London, clearly just come in from a night on the piss, having perhaps just lost a rugby game to Australia, and, half-cut, instinctively typing ‘bloody aussies’ into google. Inversely, most Australians would have the exact same primeval urge to search for ‘whinging bloody poms’ for no particular reason.

16. “can anal douching damage the anal cavity”

This is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me. That is, having someone arrive on my site through this search phrase, not the actual procedure, which hurts like hell.

17. “chinese foot binding technique”

WTF, I thought they’d banned that shit, some grubby peasant is trying to bring it back with the help of the internet.

18. “comet strike predictions”

Great, a doomsday cult leader brushing up on his science.

19. “coughing with a knife in the anus squatting”, “coughing with knife in anal cavity”, and “most [things] found hidden in anal cavity”

Ive covered similar searches already. It doesn’t get any less awesome though.

20. “knife in rectum”, “knife inside rectum”, “knife rectum”, “knife up anus”, “knife up rectum”, “knife up the ass”, and “knifes in prison cough”

Okay, enough already.

21. “what is a knife hidden up the anus called”

Wow, is there even a specific word for this? If not, I hereby coin the word ‘shivus’ for this exact purpose.

22. “differences between men and women toilet etiquette”

Isn’t this self-evident?

23. “hot female shot putters”

I love this one. Perhaps a fatto looking for a love connection?

24. “how to anal”

For shame, honestly. Perhaps I should just cut my losses and become a high-brow porn site?

25. “jack shepherd appendectomy; lost”

The best part about this one is the neat use of the semi-colon.

26. “kate austen getting fucked”

Creep.

27. “pantyhosekillers”

Alloneword. Thatsaysitallreally. I think I might go and throw my modem into the river right now. BTW, if you live in the city of Portage, Wisconsin, be sure to lock your windows and doors at night.

28. “world’s hottest blondes in stockings”

Hmmm, I see a pattern emerging. Not the same weirdo though. This one was from a place called ‘Mustang’ in the US.

29. “sycophantism”

Brainwashable has finally cracked into the much-coveted high-brow readership. I mean, you try spelling a word like that correctly (though I bet Google’s ‘did you mean’ helped out).

31. “tattoos for shot putters”

That is just so niche. I’m imagining this whole shot putting subculture now, much like the little people have (is ‘little people’ still preferred to ‘dwarfs’, it seems a bit condescending, you know, like talking down to them).

32. “tim robbins anal rape”

Probably my second favourite search of all time. This person either really loves Tim Robbins, or really really hates him in an unhealthy way.

33. “walker texas ranger + sydney handcuffed”

I have no idea about this one. Perhaps that blonde love interest in the TV series is called Sydney? Regardless, it has Walker in it, so it’s automatically cool.

34. “youtube gang rape scenes”

I’ll end with this degenerate. I think youtube might just have rules about this sort of video.