The main difference between men and women

Can I PLEASE get your number?

I probably shouldn’t base a whole article around the same tired themes that launched Tim Allen’s career and saw it thrive and survive in the conservative American heartland for about 15 years past its used-by date. Maybe I can add a fresh new angle. I doubt it.

Of course you know the male spatial rules for public toilets: Failure to use the furthest urinal possible from other occupants is tantamount to propositioning them for enthusiastic bum sex in the adjoining cubicle. I know, silly… but true.

For men, due to repetitive reinforcement, this same principle extends to most other public spaces. For example, the cardio room at the gym. Be advised, the following guide is just the usual toilet etiquette applied to the gym – it doesn’t apply if you are actually a gay man.

After I set out gym best practice for straight men, I will discuss how women lack similar retarded mental frameworks.

Again, I’m well aware this whole shtick has been done to death. For more in-depth coverage see any B-grade American comedian from the 80s.

The Cardio Area at the gym

Phase 1 – First man in

Phase 2 – Second man in

Phase 3 – Third man in

Anyway, you get the idea. Now for my main point: As far as I can tell, women are blissfully unaware of the sexual gamesmanship carried on shamelessly by men like breathless Jane Austin characters. In fact, when faced with the same choices, they will nearly always selflessly think of the convenience of others. They’re so mysterious like that.

I know what you’re thinking, the women are trying to hook up with me. No, sadly they’re not. At the gym, I sweat a lot, making me about as appealing as the guy at the bar who picks up girls by taking out his knob and saying ‘fancy a root ya skanky bitch?’