Archives for "Sport"
The All Whites are making me racist
Football Hooligans
Remember that great Conchords moment when Bret muses about his female coworker: ‘she’s so hot she’s making me sexist’?
Now the All Whites (appropriately) are doing the same to me. They’re so hot right now, on the eve of their huge game against Paraguay, that I have found that I almost uncontrollably racially abuse their opponents, such is my inflamed passion for our team’s successes at this world cup.
I have shamefully turned the beautiful game of nations of all colours into a red-neck celebration. But I can’t help it.
I have long suspected that I am almost too non-racist to be true. That underneath the veneer of perfect respect for different cultures and ethnicities to my own lurks an aggressive racist, a closeted English football supporter.
I’m desperately middle-class, went to university and had I guess what you would call a liberal arts education, had Asian, Islander and even an Iranian best mate during formative school years.
But I’ve always had my suspicions.
And now it would seem that all along my subconscious was luring me into a false sense of self-righteousness. And all the while planning a major racist break out.
Admittedly the Slovakian game saw a slow start to my burgeoning racism. There just wasn’t an obvious in, I didn’t know anything about the Slovaks but didn’t want to resort to obvious generic Eastern European cliches.
Quite a few of their players had awful matching short haircuts. This gave me a little something to work with, but while I flailed around for some sort of cutting neo-fascist comparison my brother got in before me: ‘they look like a bunch of romper-stompers’.
Simple, effective, perfect.
The end of the NZ vs Slovakia game left me hungry for less obscure targets.
The NZ vs Italian game really brought my inner-racist out. I eventually settled on ‘Eye-tie’ as my preferred racial slur which seemed sadly 1950s but pleasing to say nonetheless. You can really roll it out of your mouth like a big fat Texan.
I stopped short of ‘Wog’, too effectively-reclaimed as it is.
Poor decisions against us even saw the referee become a target. Again, my brother outshone me with an immaculately-timed ‘dirty povo little Mexican’ (he was Guatemalan). I kept missing my stride.
Maybe I will peak at 2am this morning when we take on Paraguay? I can certainly go the South Americans for their poverty and drugs.
Also, one of their best players got shot in the head in a Mexican bar before the world cup. This is all rich material.
I’m really going to miss being an ignorant English football yobo after the cup.
Ban the Vuvuzela and recycle those sons of bitches
Top 3 better uses for the vuvuzela
I am easily the world’s number 1 ranked vuvuzela hater, but I don’t just want to be just another hater.
I prefer to see myself as the friendly face of vuvuzela haters.
Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t advocate leniency or mercy in any form. I’m no bleeding heart hippie peacenik.
I do want every face bearing a set of lips that has ever touched that infernal device slapped lustily several times.
(BTW, I am a long-time believer in the efficacy of a well-executed back handed slap)
Take that ass-suck!
But there’s no reason to contribute to the earth’s already bloated and stinky landfills with millions of plastic trumpets.
So here’s some constructive recycling ideas – My top 3 better ways to use them than ear-raping the world.
#1. Medical Aid: The Vuvuzela Colonic
Problem: You feel a pressing urge to cleanse your colon but object to the indignity of having a tube stuck up your arse.
Solution: Vuvuzela!
Nurse, I'm ready for my morning coffee, tee hee!
#2. Yard Glass Substitute
Problem: Your 21st birthday piss-up is fast approaching but your useless pot-smoking flatmate has smashed the incumbent yard glass.
Solution: Vuvuzela!
Go Smythsie! Go Smythsie! Go Smythsie!
#3. Fashion Accessory
Problem: You need to make an impact, be more dynamic, be about something.
Solution: Vuvuzela!
With these bad boys no one will notice the early signs of my veiny old lady arms
Try playing your vuvuzela after I shove it up your arse
Well that’s just great, the Football World Cup has already been completely ruined for me.
I tried watching some of the Argentina vs Nigeria game and nearly had a stoke after just 5 minutes of that god-awful vuvuzela drone.
The vuvuzela is a small plastic trumpet designed by Satan himself to turn mentally-healthy people into gibbering fly-eating lunatics after about 12 seconds.
It is the worst thing that has ever happened to sport. Thanks a lot South African football fans, you stupid fucking cunts.
While I realise that the illusion of an apocalyptic swarm of killer bees is all blissful serenity compared to the impoverished crime-steeped misery that is your actual lives, I would still appreciate if you killed yourselves asap.
I’m getting chest pains just thinking about it.
That beautiful game in Wellington: New Zealand 1, Bahrain 0
Last night was my new greatest moment as a professional spectator.
Here’s video of the first goal by Rory Fallon late in the first half to put NZ 1-0 up:
Here’s a few All White attempts on goal and the moment when the final whistle blew – sensational!
Cheating bloody Aussies
Australian wicketkeeper Brad Haddin could not have been more of a cheating bastard if he’d tied a piece of twine to the bails and whipped them off while pointing in the air shouting ‘hey it’s Shane Warne!’
The 5 hottest female shot putters at Beijing
Shot Put. More like Hot Put, damn!
The shot put at Beijing was a turning point for my proud tradition of women’s sports voyeurism. No longer will I hang out for a sneaky perve at the beach volleyballers. Some of the world’s hottest female athletes get their kicks chucking solid steel balls around. Here are some of their finest.
Foot binding for the whole body
After seeing a couple of Chinese gymnasts at the Olympics, I quickly devised an age/appearance formula to deal with the fact that these girls were clearly all about 4 years old: Continue Reading