Try playing your vuvuzela after I shove it up your arse

Well that’s just great, the Football World Cup has already been completely ruined for me.

I tried watching some of the Argentina vs Nigeria game and nearly had a stoke after just 5 minutes of that god-awful vuvuzela drone.

The vuvuzela is a small plastic trumpet designed by Satan himself to turn mentally-healthy people into gibbering fly-eating lunatics after about 12 seconds.

It is the worst thing that has ever happened to sport. Thanks a lot South African football fans, you stupid fucking cunts.

While I realise that the illusion of an apocalyptic swarm of killer bees is all blissful serenity compared to the impoverished crime-steeped misery that is your actual lives, I would still appreciate if you killed yourselves asap.

I’m getting chest pains just thinking about it.