Cynical New Zealand media exploits national insecurity

The NZ Media doesn't want you to know that this is where they live

Dear fellow kiwis, for the love of God, please stop getting drawn into the whole ‘Aussies are trying to claim NZ stuff as their own’ nonsense. This is nothing more than a cheap media trick to keep you interested in their shitty newspaper/TV show.

If you are alert, you’ll notice these pieces come out as regular as clockwork and are given high profile despite being without any real news worthiness (if such a thing even exists). Here’s a good example I noticed today on the NZ Herald website: NZ-born Crowe gets Aussie stamp of approval.

Please understand this – the key to my whole argument – from the very outset: the only reason that they published this article online is because you are a stupid asshole. Yes, you.

Analysis of user behaviour on their website has shown the Herald that people like you are 15% more likely to click an ad on a page containing such incendiary topics, and will remain on the site for 33% longer than the average user.

Moreover, this ‘eternal-stoush-with-the-Aussies’ chestnut makes you 23% more likely to, god save us, make a blog comment (provided the article is loser-enabled, the actual technical term used by the Herald Marketing team for articles allowing comments).

By posting your inane opinions, and arguing against the inane opinions of others, you are playing right into their hands: Repetition is causing the creation of new connections in your tiny monkey brain that will make you increasingly loyal to the Herald site, and, feeling that it empowers you, you will return time and time again like the faithful lab rat that you are, diligently posting about taggers, the economy, and the exodus to Aussie.

Allow me to examine the term ‘NZ-born’ from the headline, NZ-born Crowe gets Aussie stamp of approval. ‘NZ-born’ is only ever used for the following two reasons:

Mr Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote, who wrote the novella, must have been so very proud.

• As a prefix for the word ‘Asian’. This is because ‘New Zealanders’ still shit themselves with surprise when they encounter East and Southeast Asians who speak perfect English and don’t sound like Mickey Rooney’s Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
• As a euphemism for ‘inherently-disadvantaged’ (be honest, it’s what we really mean right?). We still thrill and marvel when NZ-born Mr Whatsisname does well in some big international business/band/pie-eating contest. And we are so surprised when somebody with the most tenuous link to our country becomes really famous. Never mind that they have been a full Australian citizen for fifty years, they were born on a plane two minutes inside NZ airspace dammit!

As if it wasn’t bad enough already

Even if I was to excuse the deep feeling of inadequacy behind wanting to claim Russell Crowe as our own, which I don’t, who would possibly want him any way? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Russell Crowe has to be the world’s biggest douche (well, after Leighton Hewitt), with the only redeeming thing about his whole life being that he was portrayed on South Park (as the world’s biggest douche).

Also, Russell Crowe co-owns the South Sydney Rabbitohs, an NRL team. Let me just repeat that. Russell Crowe owns an Australian rugby league team. You simply don’t get any more Australian than owing your own league team. I mean, he might as well have a giant Vegemite mustache and Mick Dundee hanging out of his arse.

Central to you getting all hot and bothered about Australians claiming our own, is the idea in your head that there is some great rivalry between us. But for such a rivalry to exist, wouldn’t a basic prerequisite be that both parties are actually even aware of the existence of their opponent? This brings me to my next point:

Debunking the myth that Australia cares

Can you guess what these three have in common with the great Trans-Tasman rivalry?

It might be a hard pill for you to swallow, but the reality is, Australia doesn’t give a shit about New Zealand. No more so than your average Aucklander cares about Balclutha.

Nothing short of New Zealand sheep suddenly shitting diamonds by the tonne would cause them to notice us. And even then, it would be mainly for the delicious new possibilities on the sheep joke front. Because most Aussies know little more about NZ than just that: sheep jokes. And even then, they don’t actually make the jokes themselves, they have an uncle in Queensland who used to crack them in the seventies.

Whenever I have copped sheep jokes, it’s been almost ceremonial, like a welcome onto a Marae. It’s an obligatory formality that I would even describe as slightly ironic.

Most New Zealanders think there is some great Trans-Tasman rivalry. This is a myth. Though it might be true in the world of Rugby Union, there are currently about four Australians who even know that this game exists.

The most embarrassed I have ever felt for a fellow human being was once out in the Gold Coast when a couple of dickheads ran past me half-pissed wearing black flags shouting ‘yuuuuh, fucking New Zealand… Wooouuuh… the fucking All Blacks, huuuyuuuuh…’

I was mortified for them – I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow them. They had no idea that nobody even knows what the All Blacks are, much less cares. It was the travel equivalent of going to France and shouting English in people’s faces because you think it’s a great language and every one should speak it.

Australia cares so little about New Zealand that in their minds the enormous tussle for ownership of stupid shit like the Pavlova, Fred Dagg and Crowded House doesn’t even exist. It is the United Nations equivalent of Burkina Faso getting up and demanding that the United States immediately give them back Baseball, McDonalds, and Texas.

The media largely constructs these myths, but you, fellow Kiwi, greedily guzzle them down like piglets on bulging cream-lathered nipples.

In conclusion, go to hell

You’ll know by now if this rant applies to you. If so, please stop needing to be noticed by the rest of the world you insecure moron. Your significance isn’t determined by the number of Texan fatties who have a reasonable working knowledge of the Haka and meat pies.

There is a lot more to be said on this topic but I must wrap it up for now. In closing I should say that I love the way I’ve turned what should have been a focussed anti-media rant, into a tirade abusing all NZers.

Update, 7 Feb 2009: Further evidence that I am right, as always: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/cricket/news/article.cfm?c_id=29&objectid=10555501